Just a fling, just forever, or both? What is compatibility and chemistry in dating?
Finding ‘the one’ or another one. What does it mean to be compatible?
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The current reputation of dating has left everyone a little sceptical, understandably so. Yet, we remain hopeful. There is nothing quite like meeting a truly compatible connection.
Why? Well, let me get personal.
Some time ago there I was at Coogee Beach Pavilion. It was dusk, after an already five-hour beach date. As our drinks arrived, my date joked that I might be late to boy band practice given I had worn all white, and my Nick Carter fringe whisked in the wind. While we laughed, a thought came to mind as we broke the prolonged eye contact with a smile: “We’re connecting so easily.” As I walked her to her car, I made that nervous move every guy does, and we shared a kiss as the last bit of sun left Sydney’s shores.
A great first date is the goal, right? It is. But having such a good date comes with questions like, “are we compatible, a great connection, or both?” These are fascinating, introspective questions to consider. But more often than not, this reflection on compatibility has become a lost art in dating.
We have reduced compatibility to an exact science or algorithm, a non-negotiable list of traits, interests, hobbies, or star signs. Is anyone still looking for that 6’5 guy in finance with blue eyes and a trust fund?
Sure, the idea of our “perfect person” meeting our preferences is exciting and can make things easier. However, is that where we get it wrong? Are people only compatible if they somehow already are?
Rather, what if compatibility is the story we tell while building it, not a list we use to define it? Psychologists seem to think so, so let’s make our own story and find out how compatibility and dating work.
What is dating compatibility? The algorithm & the story
If you were to tell me what compatibility is, your answer would be unique to you with the traits you seek. But how would you describe it if we take a step back and remove ourselves? It gets tricky.
Luckily, relationship psychologists have had the answer for quite a while, and it comes in two parts. Those traits we look for are the very brief and first part of compatibility, your subjective dating algorithm. The second part of compatibility is the story you tell with a person, where narrative trumps traits.
Looking at the first part, and what we think of as compatibility entirely, are initial foot-in-the-door attractions. They are my age, workout, are my brand of hot, look kind, have the same initial values, hobbies, etc. A 2017 study found initial romantic attraction can be boosted by shared traits, making early dating much easier. However, longer relationship quality based on traits alone was too challenging to predict.
This brings us nicely to the second and main part of compatibility, your actual story with someone. To find out if your story is a romance or thriller, you look at the “how” over the person. That “how” comes in three areas: how do you feel with them, how are you together, and how do you show up for each other?
This is where you’ll see compatibility and values in action. If you feel safe, handle conflict well and have consistency, well you just may be compatible!
Non-compatibility, what it is and isn’t (the ick/attachment styles)
It turns out compatibility and how you feel about dating are big deals, but that’s not exactly shocking. However, what may surprise you is that we also get incompatibly mixed up, sabotaging dating success.
Let’s start with something we have all heard about or experienced first hand ..the ick! The ick is an out-of-nowhere feeling of disgust about trivial behaviour, causing one to question the relationship. It can happen on the first date or after months, ruining promising relationships. Often, the ick comes from our own anxiety or insecure attachment style. Luckily, it doesn’t signal any true incompatibility and can be worked on through with time.
Adam Brody recovers from ‘The Ick’ in Nobody Wants This
Speaking of insecure attachment, this is where most perceived incompatibility stems from with disorganised/avoidants. The irony is, that the better the relationship is, the more incompatible an avoidant thinks it is. Shutting down, numbing and pushing away are common in avoidants due to previous relationship wounds. Depending on the severity, it can be worked through with understanding. However, if it proves to be a cycle with no change, that’s when you may have to step off that rollercoaster.
For what incompatibility truly is, it is seemingly straightforward. It is when you and the person you are dating find it difficult to navigate challenges and grow through dating phases naturally.
Is it Compatibility or Just Chemistry?
We have all been told about the spark during dating, that magnetic pull towards someone where hours fade away on dates. Surely, such chemistry would also mean compatibility with someone? Well not always, and unravelling the two is as much psychological as it is an affair of the heart.
Chemistry usually appears in initial dating and can be an intense attraction, making intimacy and romance easy. Through its allure comes the foundation for compatibility we mentioned earlier and if lucky you continue to have both. Alas, while chemistry ignites our passions, it doesn’t always lead to compatibility and can trick us into thinking it will.
Attraction Bias. The first such way is through attraction bias, as we all have our types we are pulled toward. Having a spark with someone who floats your boat physically is never bad and is a predictor of relationship success. However, attraction bias will have us excusing some major red flags simply because we find them so hot. Which in the end, serves as no foundation for a long-term relationship.
Rationalising. The second is one we have all been guilty of, and that’s rationalising/cognitive dissonance. Let’s face it, we are just going to have undeniable chemistry with people and nothing more. Yet, we will rationalise that intense chemistry will overcome all the incompatibility. All the feel-good chemicals will make us gullible, but eventually, the constant tension we feel must be addressed.
Unmet emotional needs. The third and the most interesting in my opinion, are unmet emotional needs and desires. We live in a time often labelled a loneliness epidemic, both in dating and platonically. Studies have shown desire for companionship or fear of being single can have us settling for just ok connections over true compatibility. A great and compatible relationship should supplement your life, not overtake it.
