My date or partner doesn’t give me butterflies…is that a red flag?
Or is it actually a good sign? Unpacking limerence in dating 2024
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The butterfly effect
We all know that feeling - that fluttery magical sensation deep in your gut - that we’re supposedly meant to experience when we’re falling in love.
All it takes is a simple holding of hands, a text message, a kiss or even just a fleeting glance and suddenly our tummies become overturned with butterflies.
As the movies would have us believe, those initial fireworks have long been regarded as the barometer for finding “The One”.
But it seems they’ve had us fooled, as butterflies are far from a reliable indicator of long term relationship success. In fact, studies show butterflies have no correlation with long-term happiness, sexual satisfaction or compatibility in a relationship.
So, what even are butterflies?
To understand butterflies, a quick science lesson to understand what actually is happening when we fall in love.
Limerence is the social science term to describe this state of infatuation that consumes our thoughts, feelings and behaviours at the start of a relationship. There are three stages of limerence:
Infatuation
Crystallisation
Deterioration
Picture yourself waiting for a first date - you’re likely a mixture of nerves and excitement as you step into the unknown.
Our brain can interpret this as fear and therefore due to the strong brain/gut connection, when the amygdala is triggered (the part of our brain responsible for registering fear) butterflies develop deep in your gut.
During the initial infatuation stage, hormones dopamine and norepinephrine are heightened contributing to the butterflies we experience.
In most contexts, we recognise these butterflies as anxiety, but interestingly when associated with romance, we have come to think of butterflies as the “fireworks” we’ve been waiting for in our search for “The One”.
As we get to know our partner, infatuation crystalises to love. During this phase, we feel seen, understood and loved. In our eyes they are perfect and no one could dare tell us otherwise.
Clearly though, no one is perfect! Over time, which can vary between 3-48 months, that infatuation starts to fade. Some may refer to this as the end of the “honeymoon phase”.
However, it doesn’t have to be downhill from here. if the ingredients for a long and happy relationship are present, really this is just the beginning of a beautiful new chapter based on much more than just “butterflies”.
Should I be worried if I’m not feeling butterflies?
The short answer is no - you don't need to be worried if you’re not feeling butterflies with a new boyfriend or girlfriend.
We’ve been conditioned to look for the “spark” or “fireworks”. We’ve grown up in a time where we want and usually, can have everything right now and that quick-fix butterfly feeling is no different.
We need much more than butterflies for a relationship to survive. In fact, the presence or absence of butterflies in those early days is not an indicator of how you will feel about that person in the long term.
Not feeling those nerves we’ve come to know as butterflies initially may actually be a good thing. It may be a sign of meeting someone with a “secure attachment style”. Someone who is emotionally strong and stable and makes you feel 100% confident in that relationship.
Limerence can last up to 48 months. Slowly, that infatuation we once felt will subside and therefore without the ingredients for a healthy relationship, those butterflies will not be enough to keep the relationship alive.
For a long-term committed relationship to survive, a more mature definition of love beyond the limerence stage must develop.
If I don’t have butterflies, what should I be looking for in a healthy relationship?
There are much more important indicators of relationship success including attachment styles, love languages, values, conflict resolution and communication strategies, attitude to finances and relationship and family aspirations to name a few.
These are what actually form the foundations for a long and healthy relationship.
So while we all want to be swept up in butterflies like the movies, remember that they are not an indicator of a good relationship. With the right person, connection and chemistry will strengthen, irrespective of whether you experienced butterflies in the early days.
Butterflies are really just one piece of the beautiful jigsaw that is falling in love!
