Hey Humpday, what’s my attachment style?
Hi friend, thanks for joining us on the Humpday blog. Working title, Hump Stories. Thoughts?
Anyways.
We wanted to take time to run you through attachment styles, and why they’re important to understand, especially when you’re single.
Let’s jump right in.
What is an attachment style?
Attachment styles are a theory first developed by British psychologist John Bowlby in the 1960s, outlining how from birth, we develop unique ways of forming emotional bonds with others, i.e. attachment styles. These styles have been shaped by our early interactions with caregivers, and continue to influence our adult relationships.
Understanding attachment styles can unlock a deeper understanding of our patterns around connection, communication and challenge in our romantic partnerships.
According to Gery Karantzas from Deakin University's school of psychology, attachment styles are the way we “think, feel and behave in relationships" — which is formed through the love, support, and safety we received from our caregivers throughout childhood.
"Our life experiences with our parents form an early basis of how we interact in relationships, [giving us] a sense of whether we should be trusting of others and how worthy we are to be cared and loved for…
"It then becomes the filter we see the world through."
Dr. Karantzas
How do I know which attachment style I have?
Attachment styles are best thought of like a sliding scale rather than fixed boxes. Behaviours can vary in individuals, and it’s possible to display a mix of behaviours from different styles.
Secure attachment
The most common form of attachment style. If you resonate with the below, you likely have a secure attachment style:
Your partner receives a job offer in another city and is excited about the opportunity. You respond with genuine excitement and support for your partner's new opportunity. It’s normal to feel sad about the potential distance, but you trust in your bond and believe you can navigate the challenges.
Your partner is going through a tough time emotionally and is feeling down. You respond with empathy and understanding, offering a safe space for your partner to express their feelings. You actively listen, validate their emotions, and provide comfort and reassurance.
2. Anxious attachment
Still a pretty common form of attachment. People with an anxious attachment style might resonate with the below reactions:
Your partner takes longer than usual to reply to your text messages. You start feeling worried and anxious, assuming the worst-case scenario. Thoughts of abandonment and rejection flood your mind, and you may begin to question the strength of your relationship. You might send follow-up messages seeking reassurance or become increasingly preoccupied with the delayed response.
Your partner expresses a desire to spend an evening with their friends instead of having a date night with you. You may feel a sense of abandonment or feel left out, even if your partner's request is reasonable and normal. You might interpret their desire for individual time as a sign that they are losing interest or prioritising others over you.
3. Avoidant attachment
Think you have an avoidant attachment style? If you resonate with the below examples, you might be somewhere on the avoidant attachment scale.
Your partner expresses a desire to have a deep, emotional conversation about your relationship. You may feel uncomfortable or resistant to engaging in a deep emotional discussion. You might deflect or minimise the importance of the conversation, preferring to focus on more practical or superficial matters.
Your partner expresses a need for physical affection and closeness. You may feel uncomfortable or restricted by too much physical closeness. You may be reluctant to initiate or reciprocate affectionate gestures, keeping a certain emotional distance to preserve your sense of autonomy.
4. Fearful-avoidant (disorganised) attachment
Some people sit on the anxiously attached and avoidantly attached scales. This combination could mean you require validation like an anxiously attached person and want a relationship, but fear them like an avoidant person. You may resonate with the below experiences:
Your partner expresses a desire for a deeper commitment in the relationship. You may feel torn between the desire for intimacy and the fear of getting hurt or rejected. You might find yourself oscillating between wanting to move closer to your partner and wanting to pull away to protect yourself from potential emotional pain. This inner struggle can make it challenging to make decisions about the future of the relationship.
Your partner shares their feelings of love and affection for you. You may experience a mix of emotions in response to your partner's expression of love. While part of you desires and appreciates their affection, another part might feel uncomfortable or overwhelmed by the vulnerability and emotional exposure. This can lead to a tendency to withdraw or become guarded, as you try to navigate your own conflicting emotions and the fear of potential emotional harm.
Time for a quiz
Still not sure which attachment style(s) you have?
Check out the below quizzes:
Using attachment style theory to your advantage
Self-awareness. Having better self-awareness about your attachment style can provide valuable insights into your patterns of behaviour, needs, and fears in relationships - at all stages. By knowing your attachment style, you can become more attuned to your emotions, reactions, and relationship expectations.
Communication and boundary-setting. By openly discussing attachment needs and fears with potential partners, you can establish a foundation of trust and create a safe space for emotional vulnerability. By expressing your needs and setting clear boundaries, you’re able to create healthier and more balanced dynamics in your relationships.
Personal growth. By recognising any insecure attachment patterns you may have, you can work on challenging and changing those patterns over time. This might involve seeking therapy, engaging in self-reflection, and practicing self-compassion to build a more secure attachment style.
Now go and date thoughtfully!