Somewhere between being more than friends with benefits, and less than being official, exists a new relationship having daters saying more than ever “it’s complicated”.

Take a look 👇

It has intimacy and connection, yet no commitment or progression. Boyfriend or girlfriend labels aren’t said, but you have great sex, stay over regularly, and their friends know of you, yet have never met you. Suddenly you hit six months of directionless dating ….. welcome to a situationship!

Situationships have become infamous for being relationship purgatory. Despite great potential, the lack of clarity leads to anxiety, doubt and can sting the same as the harshest breakup. I’ve been here, and I’m sure you have too, along with 62% of daters who have situationship regrets.

Are situationships all bad?

This label-less love can get a bad rap, which isn’t entirely deserved. Situationships can actually work out well for daters who are at a point where long-term commitment isn’t a priority. I’ve also been here too, with 49% of daters who added it to their dating app bio at some point..

Situationships aren’t black and white. Let’s explore the grey area, and try define the relationship that doesn’t want to be defined.

What is a Situationship?

Situationships have entertained us long before the term came to be. Think Tom and Summer or Ross and Rachel who kept us on the edge of our seats in will they or won’t they romances. Then in 2017, writer Carina Hsieh at Cosmopolitan brought the term into the mainstream, describing situationships; “at the intersection of just hooking up, and being in a relationship”.

This sets it apart from friends-with-benefits, adding emotional investment to no-strings-attached fun. The lack of clear boundaries in situationships means the emotional connection that grows is vague, with no pressure of commitment. Simply put, they aren’t relationships outright but are relationships in nature. The lack of clarity and blurred lines is a defining feature of a situationship. 

Lately, the definition has expanded to involve unplanned situationships, where dating starts strong with all the potential and intent of a relationship. Yet one person discovers they aren’t ready and handbrakes that potential, keeping things undefined.

Why are situationships everywhere right now?

Dating in 2024 is hard. At this point, having at least one situationship is a rite of passage for singles. 

In contrast to a few years ago, this wouldn’t be as common, and we have a few social shifts to thank.  

Psychologically, if dating and relationships had an autopilot mode, it would be a situationship. They allow us to compartmentalise the emotional part of dating, allowing us to date, without disrupting our lives. . With dating burnout on the rise, situationships are a convenient have-your-cake-and-eat-it-too option.

Culturally, modern dating promotes being comfortable with situationships out of fear. Fear of commitment, vulnerability or avoidant attachment styles has us believing the first to admit feelings, will get hurt. This creates fear aversion in progressing things while still wanting the convenience of relationships, resulting in a situationship by default.

Generationally, Gen Z and Boomers rock situationships. Sorry, my fellow millennials, but situationships may not be our thing. Gen Z ironically views them as an official dating stage, enjoying their non-commitment before feeling ready to take the next step. On the other hand, Baby Boomers, don’t fear dating outcomes, aren’t as married to labels, and focus more on fostering connections in whatever shape or form.

Are there good situationships?

Situationships when done correctly are good, that’s right I said it! 

What does a good situationship look like? They are simple, respectful, and most importantly, are have clear intentions from the beginning.    

Situationships work for daters who are focussed on their  job or career, travelling, healing or are really just ‘looking for something casual’.. Knowing what you want, allows you to establish a situationship with the mutual agreement and understanding that it will never be more than what it is. Add in clear boundaries with healthy communication and you sidestep any ambiguity that may arise.

What are the benefits of a situationship? Think self-discovery, empowerment, and new relationship outlooks.

What are bad situationship red flags?

While good situationships are planned, bad situationships are rather messily stumbled into. Even worse, a good relationship can turn into a situationship, either because of avoidant attachment style behaviours or uncertainty.

Six signs to tell if you’re in a situationship

However, if you cannot be certain, and who could blame you, here are six situationship red flags:

1. No Labels: No one expects a label after a month of dating, however, if it has been between 3 – 6 months without one mentioned, ask why.

2. Lack of Progression: Relationships hit a certain pace when naturally unfolding, think dinners, staying over or weekends away. It can be telling when that suddenly slows.

3. No proof you are dating: How many people would know you broke up? Typically, family and friends on your side will, or there is suddenly a lack of them on your IG. However, is the same true of you in their world?

4. Imbalance of energy: Being the only one planning dates or having an emotional investment isn’t just exhausting, it’s suspicious.

5. No conversations about the future: The talk about defining things or exclusivity always seems to be kicked down the road when you bring it up.

6. Anxiety: You may feel being in a situationship long before you know it. Our brains love clarity, especially in dating. When the red flags above arise, anxiety naturally follows.

What to do if you’re in a situationship? – the DTR talk

What to do if either a good or bad situation(ship) is taking place, involves having a Define the Relationship (DTR) conversation.

A DTR is the process of clarifying needs, desires and boundaries. It  involve the following steps:

• Asking how you feel in the relationship: Does the relationship make you happy, anxious or stuck?

• What is it you truly want: Now you know you want a DTR, what relationship do you want to come out of it?

• Prepare for their responses and your reactions: You may want serious, but they want casual, or at least not right now. Ask yourself what you will do in that case.

• How will you start the conversation: It isn’t a speech or a dissertation, but it needs to flow and not be confrontational.

• Use open-ended questions: Being curious about their viewpoint shows flexibility and being non-judgmental on your end.

• “I” statements: Emphasize your feelings with “I like you” or “I’d like to spend more time with you”

• Being specific: What are the next steps to be on the same page? It could be setting up one night a week being the set night you see each other, or a weekend away.

• Have more than one DTR: Even at the end of the DTR, things can and will change. This is an opportunity to have a DTR as a check-in of sorts in the future.

What to do when a situationship ends

There is an undeniable truth about situationships, they all must end! Either by blossiming into a fully fledged relationship, when one party realises this is no longer serving them, or by naturally fizzling out.

Looking at  planned situationships, if it has served you for what it is, that’s great! You’ll look back fondly at this experience and shared memories. However, if emotions grow and you start to see potential in this connection, it is best to say it with a DTR. While chances are slim it may form into a relationship, you’ll never know unless you have the chat.

For unplanned situationships, this is where it might sting and hurt more than even a committed relationship breakup. Committed relationships make us feel fulfilled, even when ending, as we experience the best and worst of it. When a situationship ends you don’t just lose it, but the potential of what it could have been in your mind. Followed by a sudden ending you didn’t see coming, you’ll be left confused and hurt. 

In these breakups, self-care is important to focus on. The peril of these moments is that we dwell on the idea there is a chance they’ll eventually commit, or you can win them over. However, when you allow yourself to grieve, set boundaries and get perspective on why they would never commit, you move on. It may sound harsh, but you can’t lose what you never had in the first place.