Am I being love bombed? What are the signs of love bombing and when is it bad
is it a healthy relationship or are you being love bombed?
💣❤️🩹
You wake up to turn off that alarm (or hit snooze) and see a lovingly worded good morning text after a first date. Later that week a thoughtful gift comes your way at work, and all your colleagues jealously ask, “Who’s THAT from?!”. Come date three, this perfect match tells you they haven’t met anyone like you and have deleted all their dating apps.
Ok this might be an exaggeration, but you get the idea.
You’re thinking, this is it, an emotionally available person, and a romantic start to a relationship we’ll be telling at parties for years to come. Things are going so well, so early..but could this be a red flag? You could be being love bombed and you wouldn’t be the only one, with 78% of dating app users reporting this experience since 2020.
Love-bombing in its most basic form is overzealous affection or gestures that move things too quickly in the early dating phase.
We can’t blame you for enjoying it, as it feels good with neurologists saying it boosts serotonin and dopamine - the happy hormones. This increases confidence and validation while signalling long-term safety. That is where love-bombing can be devastating, as it primes us for one hell of a fall on a roller-coaster of devaluation and perceived guilt if/when it goes south.
Thankfully, awareness of love bombing has risen in recent years. In this blog, we’ll go into what love bombing is, how to recognise it, whether it’s innately bad and how to address it.
Bombs away!
What is Love Bombing?
Before we slap love bombing as the label for any overly affectionate action, what exactly is it? To answer that, we must break down love bombing into actions and intent.
Common love bombing actions
Regarding actions, love bombing at best is where one is bombarded with gifts, affection, and compliments in the first months of dating. In more extreme cases it takes the form of declarations of love, needing constant contact, and introductions to important people in their life.
While that may sound clingy and not inherently bad, the intent is where these actions can lose any romantic appeal.
Some commons signs of love bombing:
Showering you with costly or unwanted/unneeded gifts
Constantly praising or complimenting you
They want constant validation
Over-communication of their feelings for you
Early and intense talks about your future together
Ignoring boundaries
What is the intent behind love bombing?
In the best cases regarding intent, the individual love bombing you may not be used to different boundaries, or act from an insecure attachment style. At worst, relationship therapists see Individuals who often love bomb as having narcissistic traits.
These charmers attempt to speed up the relationship to gain emotional leverage, where every flower given and dinner cooked is performed tactically, not affectionately.
Why do people love bomb & is love bombing bad?
Is love bombing bad? ..well yes and no! Deciding whether it’s bad involves looking at why it is happening in the minds of the two common types of love bombers.
Attachment styles and love bombing
Firstly, it can happen because of common relationship anxiety, or anxious/disorganised attachment styles. This is where love bombing is a genuine attempt to strengthen bonding with partners, and doesn’t necessarily come from a bad place.
This is usually due to a fear of things ending as the person develops low self-worth and is unaware of the effects of their behaviour. As love bombing occurs from fear in these cases, it can be seen as not inherently bad, but a response. Such behaviour can be addressed with boundaries and clear communication.
Do narcissists love bomb?
Now we come to the poster child of love bombing according to social media, the narcissist. While they are only 1% of the population, small studies show narcissists use love bombing to form relationships. A person with narcissistic traits has an enhanced self-image a partner must fit into, with gifts and gestures used as a means of control.
They are charming in the beginning, viewing you as the ideal partner. However, when they find out no one is perfect they feel slighted, resulting in withholding affection, put-downs, and sometimes end things. Suffice it to say, this is where love bombing is bad, and in some cases considered emotional abuse.
How can I tell if I am being Love Bombed – The Love Bombing cycle
If you’re worried you’re dating a narcissist, and that their love bombing behaviours will turn toxic, it’s time to talk about the love bombing cycle.
Love bombing, when it comes from a place of bad intent, follows a four stage pattern. If you identify with the below stages, perhaps it’s time to build a (love) bomb shelter:
Stage One – Idealising: the cycle generally begins with love bombing, where the narcissist showers their partner with intense affection and attention – think gifts, compliments and commitment, to create a strong bond. You might feel a boosted self-confidence and get accustomed to this show of love in this way.
Stage Two – Devaluing: The love bomber becomes indifferent or starts to devalue their partner, withholding love and affection. Blaming and put-downs can also happen shattering your perception of the person they were in stage one.
Stage Three – Discarding: This often culminates in an abrupt breakup when they see new potential in others. They usually do something that forces you to break up with them.
Stage Four – Hoovering: Sometimes, this leads to hoovering. In attempts to prove how they have changed; the love bomber may contact you every few months. Typically, they will reach out for help, show how well they are doing, or say no one compares to you and start the process from phase one again.
How to spot the difference between love bombing and genuine feelings?
Now let’s try not look at every bouquet or compliment as if it were coming from Patrick Batmen. If like me you are a sucker for romance, there are ways to tell when affection is coming from a real place with the following:
Pacing: Take stock of how you think you feel and at what pace is reasonable for said feelings. Both people should feel comfortable as the relationship unfolds and talk about that. Love bombing, however, will speed things up leaving the relationship feeling one-sided.
Boundaries: When words match actions, it is often a good indicator that someone respects and cares for you. Crossing boundaries, no matter how small and even with affection,may indicate a lack of respect. A person genuinely caring will attempt to regulate their behaviour, even with an insecure attachment style.
Love: To quote Love Actually “Sometimes love actually …… is all around”. That’s right, that odd feeling you get from a genuine gift is because someone has fallen for you. This can prompt normal feelings from butterflies, or apprehension as things get real. Usually, men initiate expressing love sooner wanting “the talk”, which can be a good thing.
What to do if you’re being love bombed?
Should you find yourself getting love bombed as if you were in a metaphorical blitz, there are actions you can take to reinstate healthy boundaries and behaviours in the relationship, or to end it:
Take your space: Check in with yourself to assess things outside the relationship for a breather. A weekend away with a friend or learning a new hobby when a love bomber is seeking constant contact helps re-centre yourself.
Seek Input: Next time you happen to be at the pub or brunch ask your friends for their viewpoint. Run them through scenarios like if you want to slow things down, or ask the question, ‘am I showing avoidant behaviour?’ Sometimes, a third party perspective gives real clarity.
Set boundaries & expectations: If you know their love bombing is well-meaning but still speeding things up more than you’d like, tell them. A dialogue can be used to address it both separately and together. Don’t write them off without trying to have the boundaries conversation.
How can I tell if I’m love bombing someone?
If you suspect you may be the love-bomber, don’t dump them before you explore why.
If you are love bombing out of fear, or an attempt to prove yourself, you may have developed an insecure attachment style. Knowledge is power in this instance, you can always take an attachment quiz to see where you are regarding anxious to avoidant styles. And know that, attachment styles are not set. They can change.
If you love bomb as an intentional way of controlling outcomes, you may be leaning more toward narcissistic traits. We all have them, and we need them for healthy confidence, but it’s important to check our behaviours. Should this be the case, learn what genuine giving is for your partner or what you are trying to say when doing it.